Happy 4th Birthday!

Wow! 4 years! Happy Birthday sweet JD!

We were so lucky this year to be at JD's grave on his birthday. We haven't been there in over a year, so it was really special to be there on his birthday.

We were on our way down to AZ and I really wasn't that excited for the trip, until I realized that we would be at JD's grave on his birthday.

We each got a balloon, but left 2 in the car for Triston and Connor to play with in the car. We were sure JD wouldn't mind when he knew that it would help entertain his brothers on the long car ride. We also got cupcakes and sang happy birthday to him. It was a cold day and the wind was blowing, so we didn't get to spend as much time there as I wanted to. But, Triston and Connor didn't seem to mind the cold and enjoyed being there.

I realized that going to JD's grave might have been a little confusing for Triston. We pray for JD every night and talk about him, and when we told him we were going to visit JD, he got so excited! He kept saying "JD, JD". I was scared he might be really disappointed when he realized there wouldn't be anyone for him to play with. So, we just tried to explain to him that JD is his brother, but we can't see him and he lives with Heavenly Father. When we ask Triston where JD and Heavenly Father live, he says the sky.

My life has completely changed over the last 4 years. I have changed who I am and who I want to be. I know I am a more patient mother and I know I don't take anything with Triston and Connor for granted. I know life is precious and I have known a pain so deep that my heart will never fully recover from it. I have a heavenly joy knowing that Triston and Connor have a special guardian angel. I have met amazing, wonderful women who have the same pain that I do and I'm so grateful for what they teach me. I miss JD every day. I long to know what he would look like and I ache to hold him and tell him I love him.

Thank you, JD for being my special angel! Happy Birthday!

Christmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am very sad. My heart is aching and the tears want to flow. I love the Christmas season, but my grief keeps holding me back. I know that something is not quite right and that something is that JD is not here to enjoy Christmas with his family.

This would have been JD's 4th Christmas and I'm sure he would have been excited for Santa to come and visit. Both Triston and Connor have not ever been fond of sitting on Santa's lap, so I wonder if JD would have been the same.

There's not much to say, so I'll post this poem that brings a little bit of comfort to my saddened heart.

I see the countless Christmas trees

Around the world below,

With tiny lights like heaven's stars

Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear

for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear

but the sound of music can't compare
with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the JOY their voices bring

for it is beyond description
to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart

for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR
or the PEACE here in this place

Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS
WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love

so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing

for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

-Wanda Bencke

Thoughts

The Women's Center at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center in Idaho Falls has invited me to be on a Bereavement committee. For 2 years I have been trying to work with them and trying to get involved and trying to get the support group to be recognized by them and I feel like it has finally paid off. I have been so impressed with the meetings and with the all the ladies on this committee. They have a deep concern for their patients who lose a child and want to do all they can to help when these traumatic events occur. I've gone to two meetings and both times I have sat there biting my lip trying to not cry because of the overwhelming feelings I get there. It's a little odd to learn the medical staff's role when a baby dies and I appreciate learning their side of a loss. I don't do much in the meetings, but I'm asked my opinion and asked how my experience can help others. I really appreciate this opportunity and I am looking forward to the experiences it will bring in the future.

As I was leaving the hospital after the meeting the other day, I was struck with the idea that I really haven't focused on my feelings about JD for a long time. I have spent time organizing the Walk to Remember and I have talked about JD at the support group, but I haven't spent time alone with my JD memories and thoughts. And I'm afraid too. The grief and emotions are still so raw and they are so different now that I have Triston and JD. The raw wounds became even more raw. I have a year long journal from when JD died to when Triston was born and I am so afraid to read it and I'm afraid to look at JD's pictures. (I have pictures of JD that hang in the house, but those aren't the same as looking at all the ones in the photo album.) The last time I tried to do either one of them, the pain was too intense and I wasn't expecting that. Because of all that I had been doing with the walk each year and the support group, I thought that I might be in a place where I would be "OK" to read the journal or look at his pictures. I thought the pain would not be as intense. But, it was. So, I have not looked at the pictures or read the journal or spent time alone thinking about him. This even makes me feel guilty, like I'm not being a very good mom to him. Sometimes I think I'm doing great because I organize the walk and support group, but really I think I try to keep myself busy with those outward gestures, so I won't have to look at my real internal feelings. One thing I've learned about grief is that everyone grieves differently and however they do it is OK. We all do what we can to move through the grieving process to hopefully get to a healthy grieving someday. But I've also learned that some days are healthier than others. I sometimes think that I have reached a "healthy" grieving point, but at the same time I think I might just be in denial. I'm in denial because I'm hiding from finding out what my feelings really are at this point. It's safer to not think about it and pretend like I'm in a healthy place.

As I watch Triston and Connor grow so quickly, (Triston is 2 1/2 and Connor is almost 10 months) I wonder more and more what JD would have been like. He would have been 3 1/2. Would he be as mischevious as Triston is, or would he be as cuddly and happy as Connor is? So, those are the thoughts of a crazy, bereaved mommy! The holidays are coming up, so that always adds an extra layer to the grief factor. We're doing a craft night for the support group in December and having a dinner for the moms and dads and there is the Angel Statue Memorial Candle-Lighting, so I am looking forward to all of those.

Mommy loves you JD!

Walk to Remember 2009

The 3rd Annual Walk to Remember was on September 26, 2009. This event means so much to me and I think it's so important to do, but at times I feel so overwhelmed and under qualified to put together such an event. The walk that we went to in Arizona meant so much to me and I really felt like it was important to start one here. I may have started it for my own selfish reasons because I wanted to be able to do something for JD, but I want the walk here to be that for all the families that I meet here. I want them to feel close to their precious babies and I want to help in their grieving process. And I feel so inadequate most of the time because my grief for JD still overwhelms me so much and sometimes I just want to hide in a closet and cry. I just hope that this walk touches the hearts of those that attend and I hope they can find peace and joy in remembering their special baby.

I want so much for the walk to be perfect and I know I'm not able to do that, so I procrastinate putting it together, hoping that a miracle will happen and it will turn out perfect - like it is in my heart. As I was stressing over it a few weeks before it happened, Tammy Welker Handly, did the most heartfelt gesture for me. She told me she wanted to make the gifts that we hand out to the families. She made beautiful keychains out of beads that had little baby feet charms. She lovingly made them personal and made them for boys and girls and made one special for me and one special for my friend Suzette who lost twin girls and one for my friend Darcie who has had 3 stillborns and 2 miscarriages. Thank you Tammy for making the special gift even more special and meaningful!

This is the 3rd walk that I have done and I have met several families at the walks and at the support groups who have had losses and my heart is still broken every time I hear a new story. Although I have gone through JD's loss, I still don't know what to say to them. The hardest part is knowing that there really isn't anything I can say. I know there are no words that will take away their pain. I guess that's why I feel the walk is so important. It's my way to show these families that they can still remember their babies and have them be a part of their lives. The support group and the walk are the only ways I know to show others that they can survive the greatest heartache of their lives.

I'm so grateful for Christina and Suzette who have been with me since the first walk and first Idaho support group. They have been an important part of my grieving process and I can't wait to meet their babies Olivia, Charlie and Chelsie and someday!

There is also a huge place in my heart for the friends I made at the support group in Arizona. They will never know how much they taught me. If I had never gone to that support group, I would never know it's OK to talk about JD and it's OK to have his pictures and it's OK if the rest of the world thinks I'm crazy for doing that.

I'm so grateful for Josh and my family and friends who come to the walk to support me. Sometimes I feel like they think I'm crazy for wanting to do the walk or the support group. But, they don't question my obsessive desire to keep them going.

There are more pictures of the walk at http://walktoremember2009.blogspot.com/. The video that Jeni and Nolan made, that I love, is also there.

The handsome and proud little brothers! My hope for them is that they will someday soon understand where JD is and know that he is still their older brother.

We could not get a picture of them both looking at the camera. The balloons and grass were way more interesting! But, they look so handsome in their JD shirts!

Brothers!

I've mentioned before how important the little bunny that was given to JD while we were in the hospital is to me. So, I've tried to put the bunny in pictures with Triston and Connor. It helps me feel like JD is with us and looking over his little brothers.

This is one of Triston's two year pictures.

This is Connor's 6 month picture.

In August 2009, Aunt Jeni took pictures of Triston and Connor in the gardens at BYU-I. Triston is 28 months and Connor is just over 6 months and they are so handsome! I really wonder what JD would like right now. I also wonder if he would look like Triston and Connor. Sometimes I really think Triston and Connor look a lot alike but they also have their own looks. Which one would JD look more like? JD's hair was a lot lighter than both of his brothers and I think they all look the same in the mouth. I've always thought that JD was broader through the shoulders than Triston and Connor too, so maybe he would be our buff little boy! But, I know there's no doubt that JD would have been just as handsome and adorable as his little brothers!

JD - we love you and you are always in our hearts!

Butterfly Release

On Saturday June 20, 2o09 we were invited to a Butterfly Release at the Downard Funeral home in Pocatello. The funeral home is owned by a roommate I had on my mission and her husband. I recently got in touch with Diane (Prolo) Peck through Facebook and it was really great to see her! This is the 2nd year they have done this butterfly release and it is not just for babies, but for anyone who has had a loss. There were many families there and I met one that had lost a 5 week old baby girl to SIDS and I saw women there alone and although I didn't talk to all of them, I wondered if they were there because they had lost a husband and/or children. Every family there had a story of grief and my heart was saddened for all of them. There was sadness in the eyes of those around me, but there was also an air of hope. We had all had losses, but we were able to smile when we saw the butterflies fly around us. To me the butterflies represented a world of hope. Butterflies start out as caterpillars and have a transition phase before they are turned into beautiful butterflies. When we have a loss, we go through a huge transition phase. I don't know when and if my transition phase will ever end, but there are times when I feel peace and love and I guess that's when my grief is slowly turning into a butterfly. (Before we released the butterflies, there was a speaker and I think she might have talked a little bit about that, but honestly, I was too busy keeping Triston quiet and behaved to pay close attention.) The butterflies were beautiful and also beauty in nature always reminds me of how much Heavenly Father loves His children. So, that also gave me hope. I know Heavenly Father loves us. He gives us trials but He also gives us beautiful gifts that fill our lives and hearts.

I was really excited about the release and about seeing Diane, so it surprised me when I realized I was really emotional that morning. On the drive to Pocatello, I was talking to Tammy on the phone and had a hard time telling her where I was going. I was excited to be able to do something for JD, so I really wasn't expecting that. My heart is still so heavy when I think about him and there are times when I try not to think about him because I know it will hurt. But even as I try not to think about him, he is always in my heart and I always feel him there. I know I have 3 beautiful sons. I know JD is special and watching over us and I know he has special work to do on the other side. So, my heart is pretty confused and conflicted. Half of it is full of love and pride to be JD's mom and half of it is still full of anger and grief!

The butterfly release was a really special way to remember that JD is still around us. I felt like we were sending the butterfly out to play with JD as he flew around watching over us.

Me, Triston and Connor holding the butterfly before we released it.

When we let the butterfly out of the box, he landed on the grass right in front of us and didn't fly away until I helped it. Maybe it was staying around to tell us that JD was also around us.

There were lots of butterflies that stayed around, so we got some fun pictures. Triston loved finding them and pointing them out to me. There is one in this tree.

Triston was really fascinated with them and even called them pretty!

Triston is even trying to give this one a kiss!

Triston even got to hold one, but when it started to move it's legs, Triston threw it to the ground. I don't think he liked the tickling legs!

I'm glad we were able to go this special event and I hope we can continue to keep JD an active part of our lives!

More of JD's 3rd Birthday!

I've mentioned before how I long to be close to JD's grave so I can visit him and decorate for him. I wasn't able to go to Utah for his 3rd birthday, so I had two surprise visitors take him something. Josh was going to Utah for a job interview and visiting JD is not something that Josh usually does on his own, but he stopped and gave JD a couple of stuffed frogs and some flowers. I was very grateful that Josh remembered to do this on his own. I don't often ask him to do things like that because I don't know how he will react. I need to have more trust in him! Thanks Josh! A couple of days later, my friend and her daughter stopped to give him some presents. They gave him a stuffed elephant, a big yellow flower and balloons! They even sent some balloons up to heaven for him. I am very touched with their kindness!

Thanks Daddy!

Happy Third Birthday Sweet JD!!!