Brothers!

I've mentioned before how important the little bunny that was given to JD while we were in the hospital is to me. So, I've tried to put the bunny in pictures with Triston and Connor. It helps me feel like JD is with us and looking over his little brothers.

This is one of Triston's two year pictures.

This is Connor's 6 month picture.

In August 2009, Aunt Jeni took pictures of Triston and Connor in the gardens at BYU-I. Triston is 28 months and Connor is just over 6 months and they are so handsome! I really wonder what JD would like right now. I also wonder if he would look like Triston and Connor. Sometimes I really think Triston and Connor look a lot alike but they also have their own looks. Which one would JD look more like? JD's hair was a lot lighter than both of his brothers and I think they all look the same in the mouth. I've always thought that JD was broader through the shoulders than Triston and Connor too, so maybe he would be our buff little boy! But, I know there's no doubt that JD would have been just as handsome and adorable as his little brothers!

JD - we love you and you are always in our hearts!

Butterfly Release

On Saturday June 20, 2o09 we were invited to a Butterfly Release at the Downard Funeral home in Pocatello. The funeral home is owned by a roommate I had on my mission and her husband. I recently got in touch with Diane (Prolo) Peck through Facebook and it was really great to see her! This is the 2nd year they have done this butterfly release and it is not just for babies, but for anyone who has had a loss. There were many families there and I met one that had lost a 5 week old baby girl to SIDS and I saw women there alone and although I didn't talk to all of them, I wondered if they were there because they had lost a husband and/or children. Every family there had a story of grief and my heart was saddened for all of them. There was sadness in the eyes of those around me, but there was also an air of hope. We had all had losses, but we were able to smile when we saw the butterflies fly around us. To me the butterflies represented a world of hope. Butterflies start out as caterpillars and have a transition phase before they are turned into beautiful butterflies. When we have a loss, we go through a huge transition phase. I don't know when and if my transition phase will ever end, but there are times when I feel peace and love and I guess that's when my grief is slowly turning into a butterfly. (Before we released the butterflies, there was a speaker and I think she might have talked a little bit about that, but honestly, I was too busy keeping Triston quiet and behaved to pay close attention.) The butterflies were beautiful and also beauty in nature always reminds me of how much Heavenly Father loves His children. So, that also gave me hope. I know Heavenly Father loves us. He gives us trials but He also gives us beautiful gifts that fill our lives and hearts.

I was really excited about the release and about seeing Diane, so it surprised me when I realized I was really emotional that morning. On the drive to Pocatello, I was talking to Tammy on the phone and had a hard time telling her where I was going. I was excited to be able to do something for JD, so I really wasn't expecting that. My heart is still so heavy when I think about him and there are times when I try not to think about him because I know it will hurt. But even as I try not to think about him, he is always in my heart and I always feel him there. I know I have 3 beautiful sons. I know JD is special and watching over us and I know he has special work to do on the other side. So, my heart is pretty confused and conflicted. Half of it is full of love and pride to be JD's mom and half of it is still full of anger and grief!

The butterfly release was a really special way to remember that JD is still around us. I felt like we were sending the butterfly out to play with JD as he flew around watching over us.

Me, Triston and Connor holding the butterfly before we released it.

When we let the butterfly out of the box, he landed on the grass right in front of us and didn't fly away until I helped it. Maybe it was staying around to tell us that JD was also around us.

There were lots of butterflies that stayed around, so we got some fun pictures. Triston loved finding them and pointing them out to me. There is one in this tree.

Triston was really fascinated with them and even called them pretty!

Triston is even trying to give this one a kiss!

Triston even got to hold one, but when it started to move it's legs, Triston threw it to the ground. I don't think he liked the tickling legs!

I'm glad we were able to go this special event and I hope we can continue to keep JD an active part of our lives!

More of JD's 3rd Birthday!

I've mentioned before how I long to be close to JD's grave so I can visit him and decorate for him. I wasn't able to go to Utah for his 3rd birthday, so I had two surprise visitors take him something. Josh was going to Utah for a job interview and visiting JD is not something that Josh usually does on his own, but he stopped and gave JD a couple of stuffed frogs and some flowers. I was very grateful that Josh remembered to do this on his own. I don't often ask him to do things like that because I don't know how he will react. I need to have more trust in him! Thanks Josh! A couple of days later, my friend and her daughter stopped to give him some presents. They gave him a stuffed elephant, a big yellow flower and balloons! They even sent some balloons up to heaven for him. I am very touched with their kindness!

Thanks Daddy!

Happy Third Birthday Sweet JD!!!

Happy 3rd Birthday JD!

Today is JD's third birthday and so we had a party to celebrate and remember him.

Triston and I made cupcakes. I gave Triston the choice between the chocolate cake mix and the yellow cake mix and he chose the chocolate one. He is definitely like his mommy when it comes to chocolate! Triston helped me stir the mix and put the cupcake papers in the pan and then he helped frost them. But, as you can see, he enjoyed eating the frosting just as much as the decorating part.

We also got him a small cheese cake that said "Happy 3rd Birthday JD" and Grandma Packer got some beautiful roses.

We then went outside and sent off balloons to Heaven for JD. Grandma and Grandpa Packer helped us celebrate this special day.

We miss you and love you JD! You will always be important to us and we will always be proud to have you as part of our family!

Little Brother Connor

JD's second little brother, Connor Weston, was born on January 20th, 2009. It is so great to be the mother of 3 boys and I long to have JD with us. It is so hectic with 2 of them, I am sure that three would be even more fun! I took these pictures of Connor when he was about two weeks old. It means a lot to me to include JD in our lives and this is a way for me to do it. I took similar pictures with Triston when he was a baby, but they are also on the computer I can't get to work, so I will post them when I can. The bunny that is in the pictures is the bunny that JD had in the hospital and the one that I wasn't able to put in the shadow box. I'm so glad I didn't, because when I want to include JD in something, using the bunny is my way of doing that. I have used the bunny in Triston's professional pictures and it is always on the walks with us. I think I have the three most handsome boys ever!

Christmas 2008

We were able to spend Thanksgiving this year with Josh's sister Kayla in Centerville and Josh's mom came from Arizona. It was really great to spend time with them and both of them came with us on Thanksgiving Day to decorate JD's grave. The reindeer are from them.

Walk to Remember 2008

The 2nd Annual Walk to Remember was held on September 27, 2008. October is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, but October weather in Idaho is too unpredictable and I wanted to make sure the day would be nice. This year I recruited help from my support group and Christina and her mom Sherry were huge helps! We once again got local companies to donate balloons and food and we had a nice program with poems and music. We had about 5 other families and about 25 people. I really have great hopes for this walk and know that it will get better and better each year. It was another emotional day and there were a couple of times when I thought I was really going to lose it, but it really is a help and comfort to me.