JD's Story

It's been almost three years since we lost JD, but there is still sorrow and a longing to have him in our lives. Because there's so much to say and the words are hard to find, it's really hard to write about this. It's difficult to put into words the feelings that I felt then and still feel, but I want to share his story and honor his short life. I have more entries to make in regards to the last 3 years, so come back often!

After a long, emotional process, Josh and I were thrilled when I got pregnant with JD. We started trying to get pregnant in January of 2004, but after 8 months of no success, I started working with my OBGYN. After another 8 months of no success and taking the fertility drug, Clomid, I decided to go to a fertility specialist. I was quickly discouraged when the fertility specialist wanted to start all the tests during the week that I was going to be in Canada for a family reunion. After all the time that had passed, I didn't want the process to take any longer. While at the reunion, my brothers gave me a priesthood blessing to help our situation. The next month, before I went back to the fertility specialist and without Clomid, I was surprised when a pregnancy test came back positive! Actually, I took 3 of them just to make sure! From that first positive test, I knew that this was a miracle baby and I knew he was special from the very beginning!

My due date was April 17th and I loved being pregnant and my pregnancy went very well. I felt good and didn't have any morning sickness. During the first few months, I only felt a little woozy when I ate too much sugar. In my 3rd trimester, I started having a high heart rate and was put on some medicine and my doctor started seeing me more regularly along with regular ultra sounds. But, the baby was always fine and healthy. My last doctor appointment on Thursday March 23rd was fine and we heard the heart rate.

That Saturday was the baby shower. It was a great party with friends and family and neighbors and lots of great food. Cherie Lane and Josh's sisters helped create a really fun shower.

On Sunday I thought I was having some contractions and was so excited that I didn't realize he was not moving. I continued having small, irregular contractions on Monday and so on Tuesday morning I called my doctor and they told me to go to the hospital. I went to work and cleaned up my desk and hurried to the hospital. I called Josh and he left work and was going to go home, take a shower and then come to the hospital.

When I got to the hospital, I was put in a room where they started hooking me up to a heart rate monitor. The first nurse kept moving the monitor around saying she was only getting my heart rate. She kept looking nervously at me, so I started to get a little worried. She went and got another nurse, who was also not able to find the heart rate. So, they brought in a an ultrasound machine and as soon as I saw the picture, I knew something was really wrong. With every other ultrasound I had, the first thing I always saw was the heart beating. This time, everything on the monitor was very still. I asked the nurses if my baby was OK and one of them said, they were trying to find that out. Then one of them came over to my bed and took my hand and said, "Usually at this point, we would be able to see the baby's heart beating, but we are not able to see that right now. We're sorry, but your baby is gone." I remember putting my hands over my face and starting to cry and then the nurse was telling me to breathe. It's amazing how your world can completely change in a minute like that.

I think the first call I made was to my mom. I don't know how I got out the words, but she told me she was going to get in the car and start driving down to Arizona to be with me. I didn't want to tell Josh over the phone, but, I kept calling him and he was taking so long to get there. He was at home, which was an hour away taking a shower and getting my bag together. I finally told him to not worry about the bag and to just get to the hospital. He asked me to tell him what was going on and if everything was OK with the baby. I finally told him that the baby was gone, so he went to his sister Lisa's house and she drove him to the hospital.

The hospital had a really good bereavement program. The nurses were really considerate and did a lot of really nice things for us. My doctor came to visit and he kept asking when had been the last time I felt the baby move and I couldn't remember. I later realized that it was probably Friday night and it was then that all the guilt and "What If" questions started. When Josh finally got to the hospital, he held me as we both cried. I had not started labor at all, so they first tried to soften my cervix. I don't know how I spent the rest of that day. My mom and sisters, Jeni and Heather, drove to Salt Lake and got on a plane and arrived in Phoenix around 11:00. I couldn't believe they came, but I was so glad they did! I guess when I first called my mom, I didn't realize that is what they were going to do, but I don't know how I would have made it through without them.

Wednesday did not bring much progress with my labor. I had taken walks and they started giving me pitocin. But, by that afternoon when my doctor came to visit me again, I begged him to do a c-section. I couldn't sit in the hospital anymore waiting to go into labor to deliver a baby that I would not get to take home. The doctor kept telling me I didn't want to do a c-section because that would make it harder for my future deliveries. He told me he would give me more pitocin to help things start progressing. So, I decided I would try to wait it out. By Thursday morning, I had finally dilated and was ready to deliver. Josh was of course there for the delivery and so was his sister Lisa. She is a great delivery coach and was a great support for both me and Josh. My mom was also by my side and my two sisters, Jeni and Heather stood at the top of my head. I will forever be grateful that the room was full of these people that I love.

When JD was delivered, the room was very quiet and very still. He was taken to the other side of the room and cleaned up a little bit, while I cried and cried. But, when he was placed in my arms, the love I felt for him was immediate! It was amazing to hold him and I could have held him forever. I played with his fingers and his toes and actually laughed at his toes because they were just as deformed as his daddy's! His feet seemed so big compared to the rest of him. He was 5 pounds, 7 ounces and 18 inches long. His skin was torn and bruised, but other than that, a perfect little baby. The cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times and is probably why he died. The doctor would not say that was definately the cause. But we had an autopsy done and there was nothing else wrong. Although he was bruised and and his skin was torn, I don't think I saw how bad it was until I looked at pictures later. All I could see as I was holding him is how beautiful and perfect he was. I knew he was perfect and he looked like an angel! I held him almost all day on Thursday and we had a lot of visitors - the Bishop's wife and a couple of other people from our ward and lots of Josh's family - Josh's mom, Dana, Lisa, Jason, Jenny, Uncle Ron, Dusty and Cherie.

Josh and I had never decided on a name because we could not agree on one. Josh had always wanted to name him after his dad, but that's as far as we had gotten. But, sometime on Thursday I said, let's name him Joshua Dusty, but call him JD. I'm not sure where that came from, but it felt right. Josh's family had suggested doing something like that, but I never liked calling someone by just initials, but all of the sudden, it seemed right to do this with JD.

JD was taken from me on Thursday night and that is one if my regrets. I wish I had kept him in my room so I could have held him all night long. He came back on Friday morning but we were to leave that day. We had an appointment at a nearby funeral home at I think 11:30, so when it came time for us to leave, the nurse told us to leave JD on the bed and she would take us out a back door. Delivering JD and holding him could not compare to the pain I felt as I left JD in that room and left the hospital. I felt like my heart was being ripped out and all I wanted to do was stay in that room and hold him forever. I would have been perfectly happy to never leave that room and stay with JD forever!

I will always be grateful to the nurses in the hospital and for how me and JD were treated. They treated JD with respect and love. They made mold prints of his feet and a hand and they took pictures. Actually, when we got home, our camera was full of pictures of JD. I don't know who took them all, but I am so glad to have them! The clothes he wore in the hospital, the molds and his pictures are now my most prized possessions.

Going home to our house in Queen Creek was also a very hard thing to do. Walking into the house empty handed was so hard and it was hard knowing that JD would never sleep in the nursery that we had put together for him. Josh had painted the room blue and brown to match the fabric of his quilt, bumper and curtain. And Josh and Dana even painted clouds and it was a beautiful nursery!

The rest of Friday, Saturday and Sunday was spent at home with me in shock. Mom and Trent were also there with us. The funeral home had told me that we could come and see JD on Sunday night and we were going to have a viewing on Monday. But, the funeral home called and told me not to come on Sunday because they needed more time to fix up JD.. That's another thing I regret. I wish I would have demanded to go the funeral home to spend more time with JD. I also wish I would have demanded that they let me dress JD. We gave them the blessing outfit we had bought for him to be buried in but I wish they would have asked me if I wanted to dress him.

On Monday, we did have a small viewing for JD and lots of Josh's family came. I had spent that morning tyring to find things to put in JD's casket. We put in a blanket that my mom had crocheted for him, a small bear and a small dog, a postcard that said "Families are Forever", a rattle Aunt Heather had given him, and a pin that said "I am a Child of God". The hospital had given him a small bunny and I almost put it in the casket with him, but when it came time to do that, I just couldn't. It was something that JD had held and I had to keep it. But, I made sure JD understood that I was giving him other things to replace it with.

I couldn't believe how small the casket was, but I was just so glad to see JD. The stupid lady at the funeral home kept warning us about how bad JD looked. I don't know why she kept saying that, because all I wanted to do was spend time with him. When our time for the viewing was over, I wanted some time alone with JD and made everyone but Josh leave the room. And that is when the lady put the lid on JD's casket. That was also another very hard moment. I knew that was the last time I would see him and there was no way to be ready for the lid to be put on.

The next morning, we picked up JD's casket and drove to Utah with Mom and Trent. I knew there was no way I could bury JD in Arizona. I hated Arizona and I knew that I would not live there forever. Josh and I knew that we would eventually leave and that the most likely place for us to end up would be Utah. So, we had him buried in Provo, UT. On Wednesday, April 5th, which was Josh's birthday, we had a graveside burial service for JD. Josh's dad gave a talk and so did my mom and Lisa read a poem that Kayla had written. It was a cold day and it had actually been snowing and raining all morning, but it stopped raining right before the service. I am grateful for all the friends and family that came. I honestly don't know how I made it through the service. I really wanted to scream and cry out loud and let everyone know how wrong it is to have to bury a child.

Josh and I then went to Idaho and spent time some with my family. We went to my parent's condo in Island Park where I really felt like I was able to hide and let my family take care of me.

A couple of weeks later, Jeni flew to Arizona. I was still able to take maternity leave from Intel and I am glad that she was there so I didn't have to be alone. She had originally bought the plane ticket to come and spend time with me and a new baby, but she was there for me when I couldn't be alone! She helped me take the clothes he wore in the hosptial along with a few other items and we made shadow boxes. These are so special to me and I'm glad she was there to help me.

So, there is JD's story. He is a special angel and I like to think he is with us and watching out for his two little brothers - Triston and Connor. Although he is not here with me, he is still my son. I am grateful to be his mother and proud that I was the one who was able to give him a body. Maybe JD was too good for this world, maybe he had already proven himself to Heavenly Father, so all he needed was his body and he wouldn't have to go through this earthly test. Maybe in the pre-existence, we had discussed this plan and we knew it would be hard but we still agreed to it. I don't know any answers, but I do know that I will see him again and I will be his mother again. I will be with him throughout the eternities. Even knowing this, my arms still ache to hold him and I still miss him and wish I could have seen him grow up. He would have been three and I miss having him here to chase around!