Happy 3rd Birthday JD!

Today is JD's third birthday and so we had a party to celebrate and remember him.

Triston and I made cupcakes. I gave Triston the choice between the chocolate cake mix and the yellow cake mix and he chose the chocolate one. He is definitely like his mommy when it comes to chocolate! Triston helped me stir the mix and put the cupcake papers in the pan and then he helped frost them. But, as you can see, he enjoyed eating the frosting just as much as the decorating part.

We also got him a small cheese cake that said "Happy 3rd Birthday JD" and Grandma Packer got some beautiful roses.

We then went outside and sent off balloons to Heaven for JD. Grandma and Grandpa Packer helped us celebrate this special day.

We miss you and love you JD! You will always be important to us and we will always be proud to have you as part of our family!

Little Brother Connor

JD's second little brother, Connor Weston, was born on January 20th, 2009. It is so great to be the mother of 3 boys and I long to have JD with us. It is so hectic with 2 of them, I am sure that three would be even more fun! I took these pictures of Connor when he was about two weeks old. It means a lot to me to include JD in our lives and this is a way for me to do it. I took similar pictures with Triston when he was a baby, but they are also on the computer I can't get to work, so I will post them when I can. The bunny that is in the pictures is the bunny that JD had in the hospital and the one that I wasn't able to put in the shadow box. I'm so glad I didn't, because when I want to include JD in something, using the bunny is my way of doing that. I have used the bunny in Triston's professional pictures and it is always on the walks with us. I think I have the three most handsome boys ever!

Christmas 2008

We were able to spend Thanksgiving this year with Josh's sister Kayla in Centerville and Josh's mom came from Arizona. It was really great to spend time with them and both of them came with us on Thanksgiving Day to decorate JD's grave. The reindeer are from them.

Walk to Remember 2008

The 2nd Annual Walk to Remember was held on September 27, 2008. October is National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, but October weather in Idaho is too unpredictable and I wanted to make sure the day would be nice. This year I recruited help from my support group and Christina and her mom Sherry were huge helps! We once again got local companies to donate balloons and food and we had a nice program with poems and music. We had about 5 other families and about 25 people. I really have great hopes for this walk and know that it will get better and better each year. It was another emotional day and there were a couple of times when I thought I was really going to lose it, but it really is a help and comfort to me.

JD's 2nd Birthday

I think that JD's 2nd birthday was harder than the first. The weeks right before his birthday were really hard for me. As the days got closer to his birthday, I started reliving everything that had happened and it made me miss him more and more. There is a saying out in the world that says "Time heals all wounds". I cannot think of a more false statement. Time may help you live with the pain more manageably, but it does not take away the pain.

But, his actual birthday was not that hard. It was nice to be able to do something for him. We had Grandma and Grandpa Packer and Aunt Jeni, Uncle Nolan and cousins John and Mackayla over for cupcakes and a balloon release. Everyone is so great to help me celebrate.

Christmas 2007

Right after Thanksgiving 2007, Josh and I went and spent a few days with Josh's sister Kayla in Centerville and we once again went to JD's grave and decorated it for Christmas.

I can't find the pictures because I think our camera broke right at that time, but I wanted to put this entry in to remember that we were able to that for JD.

1st Annual Idaho Walk to Remember

When I moved from Arizona to Idaho, I really missed the friends I had made at the support group. I began to feel very alone and that no one around me could understand how I felt. I would see women in stores and wonder if any of them had gone through a loss like mine and I really needed to find some support. I did find the Compassionate Friends, but they were support for all types of losses, not just babies. So, I decided to do something.

I started with organizing a walk that was similar to the one I had attended in Arizona. I called it "A Walk to Remember" and I was able to get donations from various companies and I worked with the hospitals in the area to get the walk advertised. It's usually not like me to be a leader like that, but I felt like it was really important to do this for JD. I also knew that there had to be others around the area like me that needed to remember their babies. So, with the help of my family and more courage I thought I had, it was held on October 13, 2007 at the Idaho State University Campus in Idaho Falls. There were 5 families and maybe about 30 people. Mom, Heather, Jeni and her family and Tammy and her husband and Evelyn and her family all came to help support me. We had a short program with poems and songs and the families were invited to share their own thoughts about their babies. We also gave each family a small wooden foot that my mom and I had made. They said "We Walk to Remember the Steps They Will Never Take" with the date and the baby's name. We then went on our short walk around Freeman Park and let our balloons go up to heaven. Although it was emotionally hard, it was a really special day and I am really glad I did it. I met some really special people and I no longer felt alone. It is my hope that this walk will continue and grow each year and will be a comfort to those who have felt the pain of losing a baby.

I then organized the support group. Our first meeting in Idaho Falls was in November 2007 and through it I have met some amazing women. Their stories break my heart, but their actions inspire me. Suzette crochets and makes tiny dresses and suits to donate to the hospitals and Christina makes blankets to give to newborns in the hospital and Cory makes bracelets to sell and gives the money to the March of Dimes. I also started a support group for Rexburg. Although the attendance is not always huge, I feel it is important to keep them going. These are the ways that I feel like I am being a mother to JD and it helps me when I am really missing him.

To see all the pictures of the walk and to get more info about the walk and support groups you can go to the website I created at http://www.eastidahoangelbabies.com/

The shirt I had made for Triston to wear to honor his big brother!

Memorial Day 2007

These pictures were taken on Memorial Day 2007 and was the first time that we had taken Triston to JD's grave. Triston was born on March 23rd and we put our house in Arizona up for sale shortly after that and moved out of Arizona on May 27th. On our way to Idaho, we stopped to visit JD's grave. I was so amazed at how many flowers were at this cemetery. I had never seen a cemetery so decorated!

I was just really glad that our move just happened to land us at JD's grave on Memorial Day!

JD's First Birthday

JD's due date was April17th and Triston's due date was April14th. When I found that out I was pretty upset. I was very scared about having such close due dates and the whole time I was pregnant with Triston, I worried and stressed about when he would be born. My doctor told me I could be induced up to 4 weeks early, but I could not decide if I wanted Triston born before JD's first birthday or after. The only thing I did know is that I didn't want the same birthdate and I didn't even want to be near the hospital on JD's birthday. As JD's birthday got closer and the more pregnant I became, I decided it was more important to have Triston in my arms so I could see that he was OK. I was an emotional wreck the entire pregnancy and it needed to end, so my doctor induced me 3 weeks early and Triston was born on March 20, 2007. So, for JD's first birthday, Triston was 7 days old. We had a small party at our house. Mom and Trent had been with us for Triston's birth, so Mom made a cake. Dusty, Cherie and Jared Lane came and so did Josh's sisters Dana and her family and Lisa and her kids. Although it was small, it meant a lot to me to be able to do something for JD on his birthday. So, we had cake and let balloons go up to heaven for JD.

Just a few weeks before JD's birthday, Josh's favorite dog Gabe died. So, I like to think that Gabe went to heaven for JD's bithday present and JD in turn gave us Triston. My arms were no longer empty because I had Triston, but my heart will still always ache for JD.

Josh, Shari and 7 day old Triston with the balloons and birthday cake.

I don't know why this picture is so bad but it is of Grandma Packer and Grandpa and Grandma Lane and Uncle Jared and Josh, Shari and Triston.

Aunt Lisa and cousins Brittany and Brookelle.

Aunt Dana and cousin Maizy.

Christmas 2006

One of the hardest things for me is having JD's grave so far away. I know that it is just his physical body there and that his spirit is not restricted to the grave. But, I have such a desire and a longing to go to his grave. I am his mother and because I am not able to be with him or raise him, I feel like I should at least go to his grave and take care of that. I feel cheated that I can't take care of him, so I should take care of where his little body is resting.

This was the first Christmas after he died and we had gone to Idaho for Heather's wedding. On our drive back on Christmas day, we stopped to decorate his grave.

Visiting his grave is a good thing for me. I always worry that I'm going to be an emotional wreck, but I usually find it calming and peaceful.

I have pictures but they are on a computer I can't get to work right now. Hopefully I can get them soon.

Arizona Walk to Remember

In October of 2006, while we still lived in Arizona, the hospital where we had JD had their annual "Walk to Remember". Josh and I attended and it was a really special event that honored and remembered babies who had been lost through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. When we first got there, we got balloons that were able to decorate for JD and then we went on a mile walk around a college campus and Mesa. I was stunned by the amount of people that were there. I think the line of people took up the entire mile. The line looked like it was never going to end and it was really humbling to see all the families and that had been affected by loss. There was then a ceremony with songs and where the families were able to read poems or scriptures or share thoughts about their babies. It was very emotional for me to hear all the stories and to see the love that each of those babies had from their families. I hated to see the pain that each family was going through, but it was comforting to know that I was not alone in that type of hurt. Then each baby's name was read out loud while a family member received a charm of a baby riding on the moon. And then there was the balloon release. I had never seen so many balloons and it was really an amazing sight! There were many of our friends from the support group and it was a really special day and it meant a lot to me to be able to do something for JD. It always helps me when I feel like I am doing something special just for him.

I sure wish I had a picture of that day, but I will never forget the sight of the walk or the balloon release and I will never forget the feelings I had that day!

March is Hard!

I guess I need a place to vent! I am having a really hard time this month and I don't know what to do about it. There isn't really anything to do about it. I miss JD and it just really stinks that he isn't here. His third birthday is in 10 days and each day that leads up to it just gets harder and harder. The days leading up to JD's first birthday were spent with me in the hospital having Triston and bringing him home. Of course I was thinking about JD each day, but I guess I was busy in a good way. Last year for JD's 2nd birthday, the days right before the actual day were hard and I had a few breakdowns, but the actual day wasn't too bad. I had a birthday party for him where we had cupcakes and let balloons go up to heaven for him. This year just seems to be much worse and I feel like I am a time bomb ready to explode. I really don't know how to make it through the next 10 days. I desperately want to celebrate a 3 year old's birthday in 10 days. I think what makes it so hard right now is that as I watch Triston grow, I know that I have missed out on all of that with JD. I want to know what JD would have been like at age three. I just keep thinking about the stupid saying - "Time heals all wounds". Time is sure not healing this wound. In a strange way, time makes it so much harder. I guess I don't even know what else to write. My heart is very heavy and sad and that makes me feel guilty because I have Triston and Connor that make me so happpy. So, really I am an emotional wreck and I needed to let this be known.

Arizona Support Group

A month and a half after JD died, Josh and I went to a support group at the hospital where JD was born. I'm not sure why I wanted to go to it. It's not like me to want to be in any type of a group or think that I need help. But, I had a really strong urge to to attend and I'm so glad I did! There I met other mothers and fathers that had lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. My heart broke to hear their stories, but I also learned from them. I learned that I loved talking about JD where it didn't make other people uncomfortable, I loved hearing other people say JD's name and being known as JD's mom. I learned I could find ways to honor and remember JD and that I didn't have to be ashamed of his short life. I learned that all my irrational and angry thoughts weren't that irrational and that all the thoughts I was having were ok to have. I made friends that I never wanted to meet and joined a special club no mother should ever have to join.

There were 6 of us from that support group that all got pregnant again and that brought us all a different bunch of mental issues! So, we created our own support group for pregnancy after loss. Those 5 ladies helped me through two really difficult times and I will always remember them and their special angel babies! When we moved from Arizona I was more sad to leave them than anything else!

This picture is of two of them, Stacey Betz and her husband Peter and Mylda Carrillo who is holding Triston.