Friday, March 20, 2009
March is Hard!
I guess I need a place to vent! I am having a really hard time this month and I don't know what to do about it. There isn't really anything to do about it. I miss JD and it just really stinks that he isn't here. His third birthday is in 10 days and each day that leads up to it just gets harder and harder. The days leading up to JD's first birthday were spent with me in the hospital having Triston and bringing him home. Of course I was thinking about JD each day, but I guess I was busy in a good way. Last year for JD's 2nd birthday, the days right before the actual day were hard and I had a few breakdowns, but the actual day wasn't too bad. I had a birthday party for him where we had cupcakes and let balloons go up to heaven for him. This year just seems to be much worse and I feel like I am a time bomb ready to explode. I really don't know how to make it through the next 10 days. I desperately want to celebrate a 3 year old's birthday in 10 days. I think what makes it so hard right now is that as I watch Triston grow, I know that I have missed out on all of that with JD. I want to know what JD would have been like at age three. I just keep thinking about the stupid saying - "Time heals all wounds". Time is sure not healing this wound. In a strange way, time makes it so much harder. I guess I don't even know what else to write. My heart is very heavy and sad and that makes me feel guilty because I have Triston and Connor that make me so happpy. So, really I am an emotional wreck and I needed to let this be known.
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I don't know you, I found your memorial blog through Sue's Idaho Angel's Blog. I have a blog as well, but I'd like to just write things down like this to tell exactly what happened and my feelings during it.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say tho...first of all, JD was born on my birthday. That already put a special place in my heart for him. Secondly, PLEASE don't feel guilty for missing him even though you have your 2 boys. He is STILL your child and ALWAYS will be. I have a lot of feelings about that that I will share on my memory post soon. Thank you so much for sharing JD with us. I hope you don't mind that I read your story. Where are you from? I think it said your family is in Idaho? What part?
Check out my blog:
www.kargfamilyupdates.blogspot.com
Love,
Ani
I am sitting here at 1:48am. I have been reading blogs for the last several hours. I think back to this time and you were about to save me. In all your grief, you reached out to me. I was about to receive a life raft in one of the greatest storms of my life. I hope someday I am strong enough to be a life raft for someone else. Thank you for insisting just a few short days after this on being my visiting teacher. For continuing through all that you go through to care for someone else. You are a true Angel. I honor you and all that you do for others. Forever grateful for a sister who saw my pain. We are sister's in Zion forever!
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