In Memory of JD: June 2009

On Saturday June 20, 2o09 we were invited to a Butterfly Release at the Downard Funeral home in Pocatello. The funeral home is owned by a roommate I had on my mission and her husband. I recently got in touch with Diane (Prolo) Peck through Facebook and it was really great to see her! This is the 2nd year they have done this butterfly release and it is not just for babies, but for anyone who has had a loss. There were many families there and I met one that had lost a 5 week old baby girl to SIDS and I saw women there alone and although I didn't talk to all of them, I wondered if they were there because they had lost a husband and/or children. Every family there had a story of grief and my heart was saddened for all of them. There was sadness in the eyes of those around me, but there was also an air of hope. We had all had losses, but we were able to smile when we saw the butterflies fly around us. To me the butterflies represented a world of hope. Butterflies start out as caterpillars and have a transition phase before they are turned into beautiful butterflies. When we have a loss, we go through a huge transition phase. I don't know when and if my transition phase will ever end, but there are times when I feel peace and love and I guess that's when my grief is slowly turning into a butterfly. (Before we released the butterflies, there was a speaker and I think she might have talked a little bit about that, but honestly, I was too busy keeping Triston quiet and behaved to pay close attention.) The butterflies were beautiful and also beauty in nature always reminds me of how much Heavenly Father loves His children. So, that also gave me hope. I know Heavenly Father loves us. He gives us trials but He also gives us beautiful gifts that fill our lives and hearts.

I was really excited about the release and about seeing Diane, so it surprised me when I realized I was really emotional that morning. On the drive to Pocatello, I was talking to Tammy on the phone and had a hard time telling her where I was going. I was excited to be able to do something for JD, so I really wasn't expecting that. My heart is still so heavy when I think about him and there are times when I try not to think about him because I know it will hurt. But even as I try not to think about him, he is always in my heart and I always feel him there. I know I have 3 beautiful sons. I know JD is special and watching over us and I know he has special work to do on the other side. So, my heart is pretty confused and conflicted. Half of it is full of love and pride to be JD's mom and half of it is still full of anger and grief!

The butterfly release was a really special way to remember that JD is still around us. I felt like we were sending the butterfly out to play with JD as he flew around watching over us.

Me, Triston and Connor holding the butterfly before we released it.

When we let the butterfly out of the box, he landed on the grass right in front of us and didn't fly away until I helped it. Maybe it was staying around to tell us that JD was also around us.

There were lots of butterflies that stayed around, so we got some fun pictures. Triston loved finding them and pointing them out to me. There is one in this tree.