Thoughts

The Women's Center at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center in Idaho Falls has invited me to be on a Bereavement committee. For 2 years I have been trying to work with them and trying to get involved and trying to get the support group to be recognized by them and I feel like it has finally paid off. I have been so impressed with the meetings and with the all the ladies on this committee. They have a deep concern for their patients who lose a child and want to do all they can to help when these traumatic events occur. I've gone to two meetings and both times I have sat there biting my lip trying to not cry because of the overwhelming feelings I get there. It's a little odd to learn the medical staff's role when a baby dies and I appreciate learning their side of a loss. I don't do much in the meetings, but I'm asked my opinion and asked how my experience can help others. I really appreciate this opportunity and I am looking forward to the experiences it will bring in the future.

As I was leaving the hospital after the meeting the other day, I was struck with the idea that I really haven't focused on my feelings about JD for a long time. I have spent time organizing the Walk to Remember and I have talked about JD at the support group, but I haven't spent time alone with my JD memories and thoughts. And I'm afraid too. The grief and emotions are still so raw and they are so different now that I have Triston and JD. The raw wounds became even more raw. I have a year long journal from when JD died to when Triston was born and I am so afraid to read it and I'm afraid to look at JD's pictures. (I have pictures of JD that hang in the house, but those aren't the same as looking at all the ones in the photo album.) The last time I tried to do either one of them, the pain was too intense and I wasn't expecting that. Because of all that I had been doing with the walk each year and the support group, I thought that I might be in a place where I would be "OK" to read the journal or look at his pictures. I thought the pain would not be as intense. But, it was. So, I have not looked at the pictures or read the journal or spent time alone thinking about him. This even makes me feel guilty, like I'm not being a very good mom to him. Sometimes I think I'm doing great because I organize the walk and support group, but really I think I try to keep myself busy with those outward gestures, so I won't have to look at my real internal feelings. One thing I've learned about grief is that everyone grieves differently and however they do it is OK. We all do what we can to move through the grieving process to hopefully get to a healthy grieving someday. But I've also learned that some days are healthier than others. I sometimes think that I have reached a "healthy" grieving point, but at the same time I think I might just be in denial. I'm in denial because I'm hiding from finding out what my feelings really are at this point. It's safer to not think about it and pretend like I'm in a healthy place.

As I watch Triston and Connor grow so quickly, (Triston is 2 1/2 and Connor is almost 10 months) I wonder more and more what JD would have been like. He would have been 3 1/2. Would he be as mischevious as Triston is, or would he be as cuddly and happy as Connor is? So, those are the thoughts of a crazy, bereaved mommy! The holidays are coming up, so that always adds an extra layer to the grief factor. We're doing a craft night for the support group in December and having a dinner for the moms and dads and there is the Angel Statue Memorial Candle-Lighting, so I am looking forward to all of those.

Mommy loves you JD!