Merry Christmas JD, 2010

The weekend before Thanksgiving, the boys and I took a trip to Saratoga Springs Utah to visit Aunt Kayla and her family and Aunt Jessica who was visiting from Arizona. We were able to stop at JD's grave in Provo and leave him some Christmas decorations. I love it when we are able to do this and Christmas is not complete unless we are able to do it. Triston picked out the snow globe and Connor picked our the snowman. I can't believe this is JD's 5th Christmas in Heaven. I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to spend Christmas in Heaven, but I still wish JD could be here celebrating with us. I miss him every day and every Christmas and leaving decorations for him on his headstone is just not enough.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Today was the primary program in Sacrament meeting and it would have been JD's first one. Ever since JD died, I knew that this day would be coming and I knew I would think of JD all day and I did. I looked at all the little kids singing and saying their parts and wondered how tall JD would be and wondered if JD would have been able to say his part without any help or if he would have been able to sing all the songs. When the littler boys said their parts, I wondered which one could have been about JD's age and wondered if JD would have been like any of them. There is so much that I wonder and so much that I miss. As Triston and Connor grow and develop their own personalities and looks, I wonder what JD would be like. I can't wait until we can be together and I can learn these things about him.

Walk to Remember 2010!

The 4th Annual Walk to Remember was on September 25, 2010. But, this was the 5th walk that I have been to for JD. I still remember the first walk in Arizona, 6 months after JD was born. It was such a healing day for me. My heart ached for all the other families that were grieving a loss, but I was comforted to know that I was not alone in my journey. I knew I had friends that would always know and always remember how the loss of JD affected me. I knew that JD had special friends with him in Heaven and I knew that these special angels were gathered together to watch over their crying families and try to send them some comfort. It's my hope that the Walk to Remember here in East Idaho will give families a similar feeling of peace and comfort. I want them to know they are not alone and that there is always someone to help on their journey of grief.
We love you so much JD!

Triston and Connor enjoyed drawing messages on the balloons for their older brother!

Grandma Packer and cousins Logan and Clara also decorated balloons!

Cousin Mackayla pushing little brother Triston during the walk!

Connor walking with Grandpa Packer!

I love this picture of Connor. I am going to crop it and blow it up and hang it on the wall!

JD - I hope you saw our balloons that we sent to you and I hope you know we send our love to you daily!

Happy 4th Birthday!

Wow! 4 years! Happy Birthday sweet JD!

We were so lucky this year to be at JD's grave on his birthday. We haven't been there in over a year, so it was really special to be there on his birthday.

We were on our way down to AZ and I really wasn't that excited for the trip, until I realized that we would be at JD's grave on his birthday.

We each got a balloon, but left 2 in the car for Triston and Connor to play with in the car. We were sure JD wouldn't mind when he knew that it would help entertain his brothers on the long car ride. We also got cupcakes and sang happy birthday to him. It was a cold day and the wind was blowing, so we didn't get to spend as much time there as I wanted to. But, Triston and Connor didn't seem to mind the cold and enjoyed being there.

I realized that going to JD's grave might have been a little confusing for Triston. We pray for JD every night and talk about him, and when we told him we were going to visit JD, he got so excited! He kept saying "JD, JD". I was scared he might be really disappointed when he realized there wouldn't be anyone for him to play with. So, we just tried to explain to him that JD is his brother, but we can't see him and he lives with Heavenly Father. When we ask Triston where JD and Heavenly Father live, he says the sky.

My life has completely changed over the last 4 years. I have changed who I am and who I want to be. I know I am a more patient mother and I know I don't take anything with Triston and Connor for granted. I know life is precious and I have known a pain so deep that my heart will never fully recover from it. I have a heavenly joy knowing that Triston and Connor have a special guardian angel. I have met amazing, wonderful women who have the same pain that I do and I'm so grateful for what they teach me. I miss JD every day. I long to know what he would look like and I ache to hold him and tell him I love him.

Thank you, JD for being my special angel! Happy Birthday!